Loading… Hey guys, this comes from a reader and it’s a bit too involved for an «Ask Kate» video, so I’m going to delve in myself and see if we can get to the heart of the matter.
Now a lot of our readers are young singles looking for a score, that’s cool, but this is for those of you who’ve been around the block a time or two. You’ve seen the bliss of a good woman, you’ve also felt the sting of a black widow (yeah, they have it inside). This reader will call him «Bob» (not his real name) has been married once (the divorce was messy), then his life turned around when he was introduced to a babe… Hot yes, a bit crazy (well maybe they all are to some degree). The new girl who we’ll call «Holly», in honor of one of my «Xs» was a beautiful brunette, slim, piercing green eyes and a smile that would have you begging for more.
Bob was intrigued to say the least, they’d spend hours talking on the phone about everything under the sun and he (like a Knight on a white horse) wanted to help her in every way possible, in this case (besides the obvious) in her new business. That’s a danger sign right off, mixing business with pleasure is dangerous chemistry, and while it can work, it can also be explosive.
In all fairness to Bob, he was falling in love, not only with her body, but her mind. It’s possible, probable in fact that Bob was in a bit of rebound (we all need to be careful of those), but he’d be in for a wild ride.
Holly’s life was not an open book, it was complicated (aren’t they all), she had two kids from a previous marriage but that didn’t seem to matter, Bob got along with them fine even becoming a bit of an (unofficial) step parent. The future looked bright, but it wouldn’t be long before the clouds would obscure this sunny day. Bob and Holly began to see each other exclusively, both for their budding relationship, plus his help with her new business, for which she needed help, money and time (dangerous chemicals as mentioned).
So time past, the future looked rosy, the business began to happen slowly but surely but Holly seemed to drift away from Bob. Why? Was there some hidden agenda? It seems that here divorce, while over, still had lingering tentacles that influenced her life and the fact that the X was now engaged to someone new, didn’t sit well with Holly. Now Bob didn’t know this at the time, but when she began to distance herself, he knew inside that he had to find out why, so he asked…
Holly told of her «X» getting remarried, the fact she felt strange about his moving forward with his life, while her life seemed stalled. Of course this was an obvious attempt to see what Bob would say, and while he was indeed falling (or in) love, he wasn’t necessarily ready to take another plunge into marriage. When he tried to put these feelings into words (mixing the chemicals), they didn’t blend the way he had hoped.
On the phone the next day, Bob noticed that Holly sounded distant, when he asked why she said she didn’t feel that he loved her; and the fact he would make a commitment had her concerned. Knife I the heart… that wasn’t what he meant at all, he just needed time, but that wasn’t what Holly was after. She said matter of factly… «It’s over, I don’t feel you’re going to make a commitment, and that’s what I need.» What! No argument, no discussion, it’s over? Wasn’t it just a few days ago they’d had a VERY passionate night together, what gives? «I’m sorry, but my heart is closed», Holly said this without passion her voice, just like something she’d say to a telemarketer on the phone… «No thanks not interested.»
Is it over? It would seem so, but let’s look into things a bit deeper.
Earlier I mentioned mixing business with pleasure is a dangerous mix, in fact its so dangerous I DO NOT recommended it, and especially not in the beginning of a new relationship, no matter how charmed it may seem.
Bob it would seem, was perceived as weak by Holly, and while that could be subtle and subconscious, he was simply TOO nice and she was picking up on that. Sex was a tool she was using to lead her prey (in this case Bob was the prey, albeit subconsciously) and when he didn’t follow the plan she had layout out, even it wasn’t a carefully thought out plan, she felt she had lost control. Whether it was that moment when she «closed her heart» or whether or not it had never truly been open isn’t something we can know exactly, but its food for thought.
Way back years and years ago I dated a Russian girl, she was hot, and at the time I was at her beck and call. Guess what, it didn’t last, she said… «You’re too nice!» And in a nutshell that meant was simply this, «You’re not man enough to take control of me.» While it’s a careful line to walk, women want a guy with confidence, one that can carry them through life and protect them from the dangers we all encounter. Now it might not mean that Holly had a carefully written plan, but something inside her said… «Bob isn’t that one who can help me and my children through life.» And once this once decided, either consciously or subconsciously, her heart was closed. And once closed, it’s likely to stay that way.
Hate to say it Bob… but learn from your mistakes and move on, anything further is likely to simply add to her list of you NOT being THE ONE.